In Nigerian individual schools, everything is possible.
If y'all tin spare some minutes, I shall justify the validity of this assertion past times telling y'all all the dramatic things that happened inwards the individual schoolhouse where I was teaching—or pretending to live teaching—before I landed a well-paid labor inwards the government.
Mr Amuchechi.
That's my name. Amu, for short. The mischievous students whom I taught English linguistic communication as well as literature, or whom I idea I was teaching English linguistic communication as well as literature, preferred to telephone call upward me past times the abridged version of my name—Amu—because inwards Igbo "amu" way something significant.
Amu way "penis".
"Mr Amu, nosotros receive got English linguistic communication now," the students would say.
"Mr Amu, how tin a substantive phrase business office equally the object of a verb? You don't know it, Mr Amu? Oh, I view y'all are reading the response from your phone?"
"No, Mr Amu is watching a bluish cinema on his phone. Let's piece of employment as well as tell Proprietor."
God knows I prefer beer to those nasty grasshoppers I called students.
Who inwards a individual schoolhouse would non prefer a chilled bottle of beer over his students? I guess, equally you, nobody really!
After breakfast, I'd gulp downward a bottle of Heineken, or Gulder, or Life.
And if the weather condition was that cold, I’d drinkable the brandy my uncle brought from Portugal, after mixing it with whisky, to taste.
And I would thus stagger to school, smelling of alcohol, beans as well as pepper soup.
I was punctuality-personified—I e'er create it inwards fourth dimension earlier the time out bell is rung.
I am also e'er the lastly to leave.
See, it's non that I liked to supervise the students equally they swept the schoolhouse chemical compound or darkened the chalkboard. No!
I exclusively liked to piece of employment out that belatedly thus that Mrs Okoye, who was habitually punctual similar me, could breastfeed me inwards the staffroom when everybody has gone.
She taught Biology, but she could non explicate the life bike of a cockroach to a layman. The exclusively thing she was practiced at was breastfeeding.
The Proprietor of the schoolhouse i time remarked that I was the best English linguistic communication instructor of the calendar month of December.
And thus he bought me a textbook on English linguistic communication pronunciation for Christmas.
***
Mr Titus.
This half-crazed human existence taught CRS, but he did non know anything nearly Jesus—if y'all know what I mean.
Titus was fatty as well as slow.
The students e'er debated that Titus is bigger than the gigantic Coca-Cola fridge inwards the schoolhouse canteen.
Of course of teaching I e'er flogged them whenever they said that.
But behind Titus's back, I told the students that they are right, that Mr Titus is indeed bigger than the tall Coca-Cola fridge.
We would express joy together inwards the un-swept classroom, forgetting noun phrases as well as clauses as well as all the other tiresome topics.
Titus's ugliness became to a greater extent than hilarious the twenty-four hours he lost i of his ears, an ear that looked similar a paw fan.
He lost it piece fighting with the Proprietor inwards the schoolhouse compound.
They were fighting with woods planks, brooms as well as buckets.
The students flogged them to stop, but they didn't.
They were fighting because Titus had i twenty-four hours tripped as well as fallen on the bloom hedges that surrounded the schoolhouse compound.
Many of the plants died as well as Proprietor seized his salary.
Proprietor finally pinned Titus inwards the mud as well as scrap off his left ear.
Later, after a one-month suspension, Titus came back, promised some students A's as well as they position coin into the large pockets of his trousers.
With the money, Titus bought novel bloom plants as well as replaced the dead plants as well as Proprietor gave him his salary as well as they hugged.
***
Miss Oge.
This one-eyed lady was forty-five years onetime as well as she taught Igbo.
Her salary was 7, 500 naira.
One of the things she hated the most is Igbo.
She told the students that Igbo linguistic communication is useless.
She told the students how she had wanted to read English linguistic communication or Law, non the "inelegant" Igbo, but WAEC seized her Literature as well as that had broken her heart.
She was crying equally she narrated this story.
The mischievous boys inwards the grade produced their filthy handkerchiefs, onetime socks as well as some tore out sheets from their exercise books as well as gave to Miss Oge to wipe her tears.
They asked her to outcry no more, that everything is gonna be alright.
Then the boys broke into Bob Marley's "Everything’s Gonna Be Alright" as well as Miss Oge picked her things as well as stormed out of the classroom, banging the door—plywood—shut.
She commonly lumbered to schoolhouse with a mighty handbag, but y'all couldn't view Igbo textbooks as well as lesson plans inwards it.
You would exclusively view things similar mirrors, oculus pencil, infant powder, lipstick, as well as a majority titled “How To Get Man In 10 Minutes And Make Him Marry You”.
One day, she went to the grade to learn as well as I tiptoed to her desk, took the majority as well as escaped.
I hurried off to the dorsum of the schoolhouse lav as well as threw the majority into the burning heap of rubbish there.
That day, Miss Oge as well as I searched all the students' lockers for the book.
"God volition punish the someone that stole my book," Miss Oge said.
“Amen o!” came from me.
One Mon morning, when Proprietor went to the Ministry of Education, Awka to bribe some men, nosotros lied to the students.
We told them that nosotros were sick (typhoid as well as astute malaria) thus they bought us vitamin C as well as orangish juice as well as malt as well as doughnuts as well as stopped quest us to come upward to the grade to learn them.
Miss Oge, lips screaming with blood-red lipstick, took my paw as well as nosotros walked to nether the wide canopy of the Terminalia tree at the dorsum of the staff room.
There, Miss Oge told me nearly her friend whose married adult man had flown to Los Angeles for their honeymoon.
She told me nearly a man child my historic menstruum who married a adult woman her age.
I told her nearly a adult woman her historic menstruum who did non get married a man child my age.
I told her nearly a miserable hunter inwards my hamlet who lent his married adult woman to a wealthy Chief thus that the Chief could give them some nutrient stuff.
I told her nearly a human being who exchanged his boy with a pocketbook of rice as well as threw the blame at Nigeria's president.
I told her the history of Cabin biscuits, nearly the delicious spousal human relationship it formed with Cowbell milk.
My stories nearly bored Miss Oge to tears.
Her ugly confront creased similar an onetime leather shoe.
Finally, a hush descended over us.
Then Miss Oge rearranged her confront into a smile, caressed my soft cervix with her fossil oil paw as well as asked me to get married her inwards a roundabout way.
I told her I would, if exclusively she would concur to allow me receive got her salary for that month.
Miss Oge’s oral cavity hung open, forming the alphabetic lineament O.
Then she chop-chop took her fossil oil paw off my body, abruptly, equally though something inwards my pare had stung her.
Since thus she started avoiding me.
If I piece of employment inwards a house she was in, she would piece of employment out immediately.
Some calendar week after, she asked fatty Titus to live her lover as well as Titus agreed.
Titus told me that he’d exclusively agreed to live her swain because he had non had sexual practice with whatever adult woman from Miss Oge's local government.
Titus wanted to receive got sexual practice with at to the lowest degree i adult woman from all the local governments inwards the state.
He said he did precisely that inwards Akwa-Ibom State when he was a Corps
Member.
Though I didn't believe him.
Well, Miss Oge as well as Titus became, inwards the words of the students, an obese Romeo as well as his one-eyed Juliet.
We afterwards heard that Titus asked her to e'er vesture a long gown to school, a gown that could enshroud her rigid yam legs, to halt disgracing him with those legs, as well as she hitting him with a loaf of bread.
The thing lasted for simply 2 weeks.
Before mid-term break, Proprietor divorced his married adult woman for an obscure argue as well as married one-eyed Oge.
The woman someone teachers gossiped that she had position a love part inwards an apple tree she gave to Proprietor, but I did non believe them.
God eventually blessed the spousal human relationship with a son.
His advert was Darlington.
The students gossiped that the man child is an imbecile as well as I e'er scolded them.
“He is non an imbecile,” I told them. “He simply looks similar i but he is definitely non one.”
***
Mr Obika.
This dude taught Maths as well as Basic Science.
He was practiced at Mathematics, I must admit, but he smoked marijuana earlier as well as after school.
Sometimes I saw him speaking to the trees. One day, he penned a alphabetic lineament seeking permission from Proprietor.
In the letter, he wrote that he was going to the bed canvass to purchase a market, as well as that he would live inwards the students the next twenty-four hours to learn the school.
He ended the alphabetic lineament with "Yours faith-fool" as well as signed his advert with a pencil.
After the exams, Proprietor heard that Obika took the students on an impromptu excursion to his ganja farm, as well as sacked him.
In anger, Obika collected all the Maths scripts as well as hopped over the fence.
The side past times side day, Proprietor as well as I entered his office, locked the door, as well as nosotros entered random scores into the students' lawsuit booklets.
Later, nosotros assured them that the constabulary had rescued their Maths scripts from the lunatic Rastafarian as well as that everything was fine.
That term the man child who e'er came commencement saw thirty out of 36 inwards his study booklet as well as went mad.
He hollered that something was fishy as well as thus took his angry friends as well as they invaded Proprietor’s farm.
They pulled downward his banana trees, squashed his plump tomatoes as well as pineapples with their boots as well as sandals, ate all his garden eggs as well as urinated on the vegetables.
They also ran to his poultry solid as well as stabbed some birds to death.
Obika sent a alphabetic lineament to Proprietor, promising that he had forgiven him, that fifty-fifty though Proprietor discarded him similar an expired milk they could all the same hang out together as well as drinkable beer as well as fume wee-wee equally friends, if Proprietor liked.
***
Mr Jude.
This i taught Basic Technology as well as Physics.
And he's the best instructor inwards the world, according to Proprietor. But to me, this guy was an arse.
Nothing but an arse. He was total of niggling ambitions. One of his ambitions was to piece of employment a principal inwards this bush-surrounded individual school, or whatever other bush-surrounded individual schoolhouse that was dandy to offering him a small stove, pots, i or 2 kettles as well as a large sleeping accommodation or a modest bedroom, any type of accommodation.
The pretentious ophidian would sneak into the Proprietor’s business office as well as tell him which instructor was incompetent as well as which instructor was a habitual latecomer.
He didn't flog the students thus that they would love him.
He didn't debate with Proprietor thus that he would love him as well as increase his salary.
Whenever he saw Proprietor coming, he would heighten his coarse vocalism inwards the grade thus that Proprietor could listen him teaching.
He told Proprietor that every instructor ought to emulate him, ought to be
coming to schoolhouse past times 6: 40 a.m.
I frowned as well as stormed out of the staff meeting.
One day, nosotros heard that Jude was coming to schoolhouse past times 6:30 as well as a bike knocked him into a gutter as well as he lost vii or 8 teeth.
It was all the same rattling night inwards the morn thus he didn’t view the bike coming.
That morning, I danced inwards the pelting as well as told my landlady that I would piece of employment to church building for the commencement fourth dimension inwards 2 years as well as give God 2 fowl.
The adult woman left me as well as started toward her poultry solid immediately, to count her chickens, to live certain that I had non tampered with them, again.
The side past times side day, at the assembly, I urged the students to call back Mr Jude's teeth inwards their prayers, but when I got into my modest office, I laughed similar a hyena as well as did some break-dancing.
Jude did non supply to the schoolhouse again.
***
Miss Maryann.
This lady taught Economics, Commerce as well as Business Studies.
She was hated past times most of the students because she hated show malpractice as well as she e'er reminded them of hellfire.
During the WAEC examination, Proprietor asked her to bring the Economics query paper, which he had smuggled out of the window-less hall, as well as hurry to the banana tree nigh the schoolhouse lav as well as response the questions for the students.
She told Proprietor no, that Jesus was watching from above.
Proprietor kicked her inwards the dorsum as well as dragged her out of the school.
That was the lastly fourth dimension nosotros saw her.
***
Mr Ayodele Aziz.
This sissy was the exclusively Yoruba instructor alongside the staff.
He taught French as well as Music.
He talked similar a woman, walked similar a woman, danced similar a adult woman as well as fifty-fifty chewed mucilage similar a woman.
Surprisingly, all the students liked him.
Miss Maryann i time begged him to receive got Jesus equally his Lord as well as personal saviour, thus that he could piece of employment to sky when he died.
Ayodele laughed as well as said that Allah is his Lord.
Miss Maryann shed sensational tears as well as paced upward as well as down, speaking inwards tongues because, to her, when Ayodele died, he would piece of employment to hell as well as roast inwards the inferno with the devil.
***
Mr Emeka.
This i was a bow-legged albino as well as Proprietor treated him similar lav paper.
Emeka taught Social Studies as well as Chemistry with mistaken credentials.
He was rusticated from the academy because he raped the Vice Chancellor's innocent fowl behind a banana tree.
Do y'all desire to know how the fowl-fucker finally got his B.Sc. certificate?
Good.
He went to a photocopy oculus at Aba, as well as they gave him a grade certificate (Medical Laboratory Science, First Class Honours) as well as an NYSC discharge certificate.
Emeka could non spell "ice cream" allow solitary "carbon dioxide".
One day, he did non vesture his spectacles to schoolhouse as well as he made a large mistake: he went to SS3 as well as taught them Social Studies as well as thus went to JSS1 as well as taught them Chemistry.
I rushed off to Proprietor's business office as well as told him what had happened thus that he'd drag Emeka out of the class, praise my discerning eyes as well as increase my salary.
But Proprietor hitting me on the cervix with a spanner as well as asked me why I had left my ain class.
At the cease of the calendar month he deducted a component of my salary as well as paid Mr Emeka with counterfeit money.
Mr Emeka thanked Proprietor as well as pocketed the money.
The side past times side term, the albino asked Proprietor to give him advertisement as well as Oge, at nowadays the Proprietor's wife, said no because Emeka had no observe as well as he did non telephone call upward her past times her novel title—Mummy Oge.
Emeka said over his dead trunk would he telephone call upward a adult woman who was younger than himself Mummy as well as she said he won't live promoted as well as thus seized his salary.
The side past times side day, the albino didn't present upward as well as Proprietor was rushed to the infirmary after he sat on a smash someone had fixed into his chair.
There were 2 or iii other teachers, but I don't desire to bore y'all with their stories; those guys were thus inconsequential.
***
The sunny afternoon some heavily perfumed men as well as women came from the Ministry of Education for inspection, nosotros the teachers ran helter-skelter.
None of us had a lesson invention allow solitary instructional materials. Our hearts jumped when they asked us to piece of employment to the grade as well as learn thus that they would evaluate us.
I sneaked into the Principal's business office as well as opened his drawer inwards search of a lesson invention or something similar that.
But what I saw inwards his drawer fractured my heart: Empty cans of Gulder beer, Star beer, Small Stout, Hero, beer opener, a bundle of Dorchester, Benson as well as a bluish lighter.
There were also an empty box of matches, Tom-Tom sweets, Banana chewing gum, dried kola nuts as well as a lady’s purse.
It patently belonged to his wife.
I opened the purse as well as pulled out a N200 bill as well as ran dorsum off.
Outside the schoolhouse compound, I bought a bottle of Alomo Bitters.
I was swallowing the alcoholic content as well as hoping that my thumping heart
would calm downward when my telephone beeped.
I checked.
God!
It was Proprietor.
I held the telephone with a trembling paw as well as said, "Hello, this is Major General Gowon...Sorry, I mean, Major General Godwin. Who are you, please?"
"Where are you, this stupid boy?" Proprietor thundered. "You are hiding, abi? You know y'all are the exclusively English linguistic communication instructor nosotros receive got here. They said they only want to evaluate the teachers of the telephone commutation subjects: English linguistic communication as well as Maths. Run dorsum to schoolhouse now, or hit y'all desire them to close downward this my shop? Sorry my school, non shop. I mean, my school.
“I know y'all are i of those who telephone call upward it store behind my back, but truthful to God who made sky as well as globe as well as the birds inwards the bluish sky as well as all the fishes inwards the river, if I don't view y'all inwards the business office inwards the side past times side 10 seconds I volition swallow your salary as well as arrest y'all with Awkuzu SARS."
"Sir, I receive got retired...sorry resigned, I mean.”
“What? When?”
“I resigned iii seconds ago."
"Oh my God, Amu, Mr Amu, delight don't resign today. Resign tomorrow please..."
"Are those Ministry of Education people all the same there?”
“Yes o, they are all the same here.”
“Then my resignation is final. Bye-Bye."
***
Esomnofu Ebelenna is from Oba, Anambra State of Nigeria.
He read English linguistic communication as well as Literature at the University of Nigeria.
His stories receive got appeared on African Writer, AGNI(forthcoming), Storried, ElsieIsy as well as Genius Blog.
Sumber http://www.dnbstories.com/